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T. EXCLUSIVE: Cellphone interview with Deer in Downtown – Doe!

Submitted by on Tuesday November 24, 2009 – 11:58 am | No Comment
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( by @AdrianSousa )


Various news and media outlets have been reporting all morning there is a wild deer wandering around the Downtown Core. T. has reached the Female Deer by cellphone . . .

T. Hello, good morning. Who are we speaking with ?

Female Deer: Whaddya want? Hello? Hello!? Lousy reception, I knew I should stuck with the crackberry instead of this crappy Nokia. Hello??? Hello? Can you hear me now?!

T. We hear you fine. Do you have a name ?

Female Deer: My friends call me Dorothy. Dorothy Dear. I stuck in a bad cell area. You can call me Dorothy, all my friends do.

T. Good morning Dorothy. Can you tell us what’s going on, how you ended up there ?

Dorothy: You know, the usual. Bright Lights. Big City. Spent the weekend around downtown seeing the sights. The Flatiron being lighted up on Saturday night was real cool. Tourism Toronto rocks! I actually thought Cavalcade of Lights was this past weekend, but I got my dates wrong. At first I thought I was in a city called Scotiabank, then I saw a map and was relieved to learn I was still in Toronto. Someone told me King Tut was in town, and that doesn’t happen every day y’know? So why not stay an extra day or two in town and try catching it.

T. You’re in town for the King Tut exhibit ?

Dorothy: Yeah, you know, King Tut. That dead guy. From Egypt. I heard if I got to the Museum early enough I could beat the line-ups. I usually sleep in, but this morning I got up early and headed out. Then these two tow-trucks started to follow me. You ever been stalked? It like Totally Freaked Me Out!!! So I decided to Ride The Rocket but that didn’t work out.

T. You couldn’t get on to the TTC ? hmmm… imagine that.

Dorothy: Yeah, tell me about it. It was Un-Be-Liev-Able!! There I am at Union Station, trying to buy Tokens to get onto the Subway right? But, get this, Mother Nature Dammit, the machine was Out of Tokens!!! And I’m supposed to buy Tickets now??!! What’s up with that? Tickets?? The guy in the glass box said they’d be useless come February. What I am going to do with expired adult tickets come Spring? Hunh? February? And he tells me this AFTER I waited in line behind all these people. You tell me what I supposed to do.

T. ummm right…. You sound annoyed… can you tell us why that is?

Dorothy: Well hell, wouldn’t you be if all this yellow caution tape was around you? All these cops and TV cameras, and people with cellphones snapping pics, hey look it’s that guy from CP24, they’re Everywhere!

T. You mean CityNews, they’re owned by Rogers now. CP24 is a CTVGlobemedia station.

Dorothy: Really? That’s confusing.

T. It is confusing.

Dorothy: Don’t get me wrong, I like local television, but we can no longer afford cable. There’s a recession on right now, and ever since we got that new giant plasma screen, our Toronto Hydro bill has skyrocketed! I mean, wasn’t that windmill at The Ex supposed to solve that?

T. Yeah, I hear ya. I keep thinking I’ll see Kevin Frankish on CP24 or George Lagogianes on CITY.

Dorothy: We hadda ditch cable and now we just pick up the Free to Air HD channels off the rabbit ears.

T. What’s that noise ?

Dorothy: Oh shit !

T. What’s going on ?

Dorothy: Oh no you didn’t.. Oh no you did NOT pull that out !!

T. Dorothy? . . . Dorothy, are you still there?

Dorothy: The fuzz is moving in with a net! A Net! AND they got a gun! Now wait, it’s a Taser!

T. A taser ?

Dorothy: What the hell are they gonna do with that taser?? WTF? Meat is Murder! Don’t wear Fur!! Bambi Forever!!! Gotta Go! . . . Bye!!

{ Click }

NOTE: T. has been trying to get Dorothy back on the line. For the past few minutes though, all we’re getting is her voicemail, and her mailbox is full. We’ll keep trying.

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